Monday, August 28, 2006

Still Out There

Blogging has been light of late because of a dearth of major events on the marriage front.

I've been highly focused on reading, mostly with Schnarch's Passionate Marriage and Weiner-Davis' Divorce Busting. I've also been rereading segments of Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy.

All make for interesting reading, and they are providing some grist for ponderance as I try to figure out where things are headed. The thoughts are too premature to make for a coherent blog posting. A common set of ideas seem to be coalescing from the froth:

  • Understand the past if possible, but don't put too much emphasis on it. You can deal with problems effectively in the present.

  • Don't let others define who you are. Be true to yourself. Make your life a heroic struggle, where your beliefs and feelings are integrated with your actions.

  • Don't rely so much on your spouse to meet your needs. Redirect the energy spent lamenting this on getting your needs met.

  • You don't have to settle for bad sex.

This blog is making a transition from a day-to-day update of events to a more contemplative work that attempts to digest some new learning and apply it to my future.

In the days ahead, most of my posts will be about Glover. I will post a number entries on why I believe I fit his diagnosis and own up to dysfunctions that have resulted. Then later on, I will talk about my efforts to move toward integrity. This overhaul in self will give me clarity as I near my six-month deadline on whether to stay in this marriage.

Weiner-Davis' advice about focusing on one's own happiness should help guide me during the ups and downs that will take place during this time. If things improve, I will be more receptive to them if I am already in a positive frame of mind. If things get worse, at least I will have an idea of what life will be like should I decide to leave.

Schnarch's book is captivating because he's describing a plane of sexuality I've been seeking but have seen described nowhere else. He presents some ideas that are as compelling as they are difficult to grasp. For example, I know that I don't have a high level of differentiation, but I have trouble picturing what that looks like in my life. I'm only a quarter of the way through that book, so there's still plenty of material to cover before I can plead stumpefication. At this point, I don't know if I will be able to apply this knowledge within my own marriage because my wife seems so closed to the idea of deeper sexual exploration.
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