Last night, I came to bed around 12:30 a.m. My wife, who has been in bed for about an hour, is tossing and turning. She says she can't get to sleep. I offer to rub her head because I know that relaxes her.
I turn out the lights, she gets comfortable cuddling under my arm, and I rub for a minute or two. She's still awake, and I tell her that I didn't think we kissed good night. She tells me to bend my head a certain way. I started moving a different direction before she could even finish the sentence.
She gave me those directions for a reason; she was wanting me to kiss her in such a way that it wouldn't require her moving out of her comfy position, and then she started whining that she'd have to get comfortable again. I even found myself apologizing to her, just as I had done in many similar situations before.
The brittle nature of her comfort and the whining that goes with it is nothing new. I gave up trying to hold her as she went to sleep a long time ago because of it.
The message that I get from this exchange is "I will speak your love language as long as it doesn't require much effort from me." It has several variations like these:
- I will have sex with you, as long as I don't have to put much emotional or physical effort into it.
- I will cook meals for the family only when my best friend's family comes over for dinner. Otherwise you will need to go get us some carry out or eat leftovers.
- I will let you express your affection for me as long as it doesn't cause any sensations like tickling.
And yet, I've put up with this, and even apologized for being an inconvenience, because I am so starved for her approval and affection.
When it comes to speaking her love language, though, she expects me to execute to the fullest. If she hears something in the middle of the night and is scared about someone breaking into the house, she expects me to get up and investigate. When she wants something from the store, and I'm at home, she expects me to go get it for her. Whatever cause she volunteers for, she expects me to wrap my schedule around it.
I don't think it's enough for me to say "I give up," but it's enough for me to wonder why I've settled for this.
