Sunday, December 17, 2006

Feeling Blue Today

It's been a quiet day today. We were supposed to have a gathering for my side of the family at our house, but because three of the kids who would have been there are stricken with illnesses, we made the decision to postpone yesterday evening.

I've been in a blue frame of mind the past few days, and I don't like it because I believe it's the wounded side of me talking. I feel trapped and gridlocked.

The recent developments at work have been occupying my thoughts a lot. To my credit, I refreshed my resume at the major job boards and set up a few automated search agents (including one for technical writer, in case you're wondering DH).

The mercy fuck clash from earlier last week was a downer, too. She hasn't cracked open the copy of Schnarch that I offered to her on Tuesday night. I had asked her to read a couple of chapters to help clarify what I was trying to express in the list of thoughts. The book will probably sit next to Weiner-Davis' The Sex Starved Marriage, which is forever bookmarked somewhere near the end if the first third of the book. That's her choice. I have to live with it.

I also worked some on that historical posting I promised a couple weeks ago. Retracing the past hasn't helped my spirits much, either.

I am approaching a crossroads, and I don't know what shape the future will take. The Weiner-Davis/Schlessinger last resort (stay in the marriage, smile, give up the sex, and pick up a hobby) is no more practical than a celibate priesthood (apologies to the Catholic faithful). The "alternative arrangement" suggested by the Drunken Housewife is probably a non-starter given the way that my wife spoke the phrase, "It sounds like you want to go out and have sex with a hooker," on Tuesday night.

The desperately insane side of me toys with the idea of just shaking up my whole life by moving out on my own, seeking an amicable mediated divorce, and taking a job someplace on the coasts, where there are many more jobs for my skill set and the salaries are 1 1/2 - 2 times what I make here. I'm a low maintenance person, so even with the higher cost of living, it might be possible for me to support both my family and myself on my income.

Today, my wife asked me to write some notes in the Christmas cards that were to be sent to my old high school and college friends. I've never been big on year-in-review form letters, preferring personalized messages. It was torture for me to come up with things to say because I feel like so much of what is going on with me can't yet be shared with the world. Indeed, the very thought of announcing a pending change in marital status to friends is a source of anxiety.

I've started reading Flow, a book recommended to me by an insightful commenter writing under the nomme de net of sixdegrees. I think the book is going to be very helpful in the next phase of my therapy, which involves moving beyond the dissatisfaction of the past and present. Expect some posts on it in the days to come.

I'm heading off to bed. I need to regroup emotionally and prepare to face my anxieties with the conviction that I've got what it takes to weather them. I've come too far to lose hope now.
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