I agree with much of what she has to say, but I wanted to offer up a few notes to clarify my intentions and to get a better understanding of what she had to say.
First, the statements that begin with "It was wrong..." are my attempts to own up to mistakes that I made this summer in trying to raise issues of sexuality with my wife.
You asked:
Why are you heading to the vows?
This summer, I wrongly invoked a reference to our wedding vows because I was taking the view that wedding vows were a promise of monogamy to one another. In a fused relationship such as mine, that promise took on the form of a mental shackle which fueled my resentment against her. I've since learned to take a view of monogamy as a promise to one's self, and that both my wife and I have a choice to decide whether we want to remain under this arrangement. Withdrawing from a marriage may be difficult, but the choice is there. I was being a martyr by acting as if divorce would be an unspeakable act.
You posed an interesting question to me.
The question you need to ask yourself is... is she just as unhappy as you? Or is her world just fine with a lover in it?
The unhappy question is a good one. I am trying to become aware of her unhappiness, inviting (but not demanding) her to open up to me, to let me know how I might contribute to that unhappiness. The second part of your question perplexes me though. What do you mean by her world being "just fine with a lover in it"? Could you please explain that a bit further?
Finally, I wanted to clarify what I mean by integrity in this statement:
By all of this, I was expecting her to act in a way that was not in accordance with whom she really is, thereby compromising her personal integrity.
When I use the word integrity on this blog, I'm not talking about it in a moral sense. In this context, I mean when someone's actions are in agreement with whom they are. Invoking the wedding vows as I did this past summer was an attempt to challenge her moral integrity (bad). Acknowledging her boundaries and saying that she has a right to her own sexual preferences is an act of respect for her action/being integrity (good).
No need to apologize for posting your thoughts. This is a place where I'm trying to confront myself, and the challenges of commenters help me to see other perspectives and let go of distortions that keep me from growing. Please do come back.
