Saturday, January 06, 2007

A Light Bulb Goes On

Tom writes in a recent comment:
That is, I thought that my own marriage was hopeless a few years ago - so much so that I moved out. However, after almost a year, my wife had to give a lot of thought as to whether or not she could or would change. However, until I opened up more specifically about what I wanted, she couldn't really begin to decide if it would be worth the effort.

For some reason, it finally registered with me what you were saying in your prior posts. Maybe it's the wording, I don't know. I'm just glad I'm getting some clarity.

I have tried to tell my wife what I want: a meaningful, involved, and intimate sexual dimension in our marriage. I've even tried to describe precisely what that is and is not. In the past she has invalidated that desire. She wrote if off to insecurity, which angered me (fusion). I've had to look at myself to see what I really wanted. In the process, I realize that it's more than sex that I am unhappy about. Our sex life is but one manifestation of the dysfunction of our relationship.

As with your situation, I am probably going to have to test the waters of divorce to make it clear how important this is to me. From what I've read, fused couples usually take it to the edge of the cliff because their tolerance for pain in the quest for avoiding anxiety. Having said that, I have to be prepared for the possibility that she will not confront herself even in the face of that extremity.

Let me ask a followup question, Tom. When your wife finally decided that she wanted to work on the marriage, did you have trouble trusting her sincerity? How did you deal with that?
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