Tuesday, January 23, 2007

I Feel Faint...

Daddy only stares into the distance
There's only so much more that he can take

-- The Police, "Synchronicity II", Synchronicity

When it rains, it pours, as they say.

On Monday, the recruiter representing the big company on the East Coast called me saying that her client wants me to come in for a face-to-face interview.

I'm supposed to get two phone calls this week from big company on the West Coast.

Long shot company, to whom I applied on Saturday night, replied on Sunday night with a request for best times to call me.

I'm getting stressed out by these developments, and self soothing has been more difficult of late. I really don't want to move, but I'm looking at this struggle on the personal and professional fronts as an opportunity to confront some fears that have kept me from making changes in my life. The dilemmas they present force me to ask myself what I really want.

Spent some time talking about all of this with the therapist on our regular Monday appointment. She said that I should at least take them up on the interviews for the experience, especially if the companies are large enough to afford the cost of things like flying me to different locations.

We talked about why I might be reacting this way. We took a look at the wounded side of me, the source from which my anxiety flows. This is the part of me that avoids taking risks because I fear that I might fail. It is the part that worries that change may entrap me in a bad situation.

It is the little boy in me, screaming that the dissolving self from which he drew security is abandoning him. The new self is more of an adult, more grounded, and more capable of caring for him, but the boy is as unpersuaded as he is unnerved. The new self says lovingly to the boy that he is far more resilient than he realizes. As surreal as that scene seems, it is very real to me. I felt tears form as I reflected on it. It was the first time in 14 therapy sessions that I needed Kleenex.

As we finished off our session, my therapist recommended some ways to stay grounded and to keep my mind from wandering into the what-ifs. I need to keep the best in me in control.
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