tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post8384072076364697799..comments2023-03-21T07:07:50.202-04:00Comments on 2amsomewhere: Two Days in TherapyUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger10125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-87976071114330644402007-06-29T08:09:00.000-04:002007-06-29T08:09:00.000-04:00I completely agree with your point that your sexua...I completely agree with your point that your sexuality is an intrinsic part of who you are and she has no right to attempt to control your expression of it. No more so than she has any right to control what you say or think! <BR/><BR/>The fact that she keeps track of the number of times you masturbate just blows me away. And how many times a week does she masturbate?<BR/><BR/>She constantly uses sex as a weapon. Her comment that she was "horny" but didn't act on it because she didn't feel "emotionally connected" to you is yet another example. <BR/><BR/>Another comment that rankles me is the "fighting fair" comment of her therapist. Your comment was a perfectly legitimate thing to say AND you were specifically asked to say what was on your mind. Your wife's strategies, on the other hand, are a picture-perfect example of "fighting dirty" and I am glad your therapist recognizes that.<BR/><BR/>You have a very good therapist, by the way.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-5814462310785601382007-06-28T13:21:00.000-04:002007-06-28T13:21:00.000-04:00Recovering Soul writes:It is interesting that you ...Recovering Soul <A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2007/06/two-days-in-therapy.html#120983971585214846" REL="nofollow">writes</A>:<BR/><BR/><I>It is interesting that you point out the Christian perspective, because that never really crossed my mind. I guess it is ingrained in me without even realizing it.</I><BR/><BR/>From reading both your blog and Therese's blog, I know that faith is a recurring topic, so it wasn't too hard to see the basis of the ideas you were conveying.<BR/><BR/>As for me, I went to a parochial school from grades 1 - 8. So I know my way around the Good Book.<BR/><BR/>With the past few years, I've run into a crisis of faith, but not necessarily in the belief of God. It's more like an audit of doctrine once considered unquestionable.<BR/><BR/>I've come to realize that a good deal of the teachings from my faith, upon which I once derived security, may have served to undermine me.<BR/><BR/>--<BR/>2amsomewhere2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1209839715852148462007-06-28T12:34:00.000-04:002007-06-28T12:34:00.000-04:00It is interesting that you point out the Christian...It is interesting that you point out the Christian perspective, because that never really crossed my mind. I guess it is ingrained in me without even realizing it.Recovering Soulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14399363754265182865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-25889807827393750482007-06-27T17:41:00.000-04:002007-06-27T17:41:00.000-04:00Chaos Control asks:Can you remind me why your wife...Chaos Control <A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2007/06/two-days-in-therapy.html#1085212136858755606" REL="nofollow">asks</A>:<BR/><BR/><I>Can you remind me why your wife has such a problem with you masturbating? Especially in light of the fact that your sex life is all but dead? Is it a control thing on her part?</I><BR/><BR/>It has its roots in behavior that transpired over ten years ago and hasn't occurred since. <BR/><BR/>You might want to read the <A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/12/same-as-it-ever-was.html" REL="nofollow">background story</A> on my marriage, if you haven't done so. It should give you more details.<BR/><BR/>Another post you might want to read is my <A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/counseling-session-v-roundup-or-our.html" REL="nofollow">notes</A> from the fifth marriage counseling session in August of last year.<BR/><BR/>--<BR/>2amsomewhere2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-6663753449348898412007-06-27T16:40:00.000-04:002007-06-27T16:40:00.000-04:00By all means, go forth and learn how to be asserti...By all means, go forth and learn how to be assertive. Everyone should know how to be assertive in the face of controlling behavior. You may find that assertiveness skills benefit you tremendously. However, I seriously doubt any of it will have a positive effect on your marriage at this point. I can't believe you still would seriously want to remain married to someone who wants to prevent you from any sexual activity whatsoever. That ain't love. I don't know what it is, but it ain't love.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-10852121368587556062007-06-27T16:23:00.000-04:002007-06-27T16:23:00.000-04:00Can you remind me why your wife has such a problem...Can you remind me why your wife has such a problem with you masturbating? Especially in light of the fact that your sex life is all but dead? Is it a control thing on her part? <BR/><BR/>Regarding your recent therapy sessions, I'm glad to hear that you spelled out your needs in no uncertain terms. You needed to do that. Congratulations!!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-84017336254692503912007-06-27T15:37:00.000-04:002007-06-27T15:37:00.000-04:002am, I've been wanting to comment for the past c...2am,<BR/> I've been wanting to comment for the past couple days, but really have been at a loss as to what to say. I can't even begin to imagine the pain/anguish/frustration etc. over trying to improve a marriage when one person is totally opposed to making change of any kind. <BR/><BR/>Regarding the "body belonging to myself vs. spouse" thing, you're right in that our outlook is formed by our Christian values. However, we try not to look at sex so much as giving the other his/her "right" because its a duty or obligation, but rather as an intimate part of ourselves that we are honored to share with each other, and it shouldn’t be used purely for our own pleasure. <BR/><BR/>Not that we live that perfectly by any means or have never acted in ways that are in contradiction to it, because we both have, but that is the ideal. <BR/><BR/>It would be a lot more difficult for us, however, if sex was used as leverage or a manipulative tool, and one of us always had the "say so" and power. For you and your wife who do not have the same religious beliefs, I find it surprising that your wife would insist that you do refrain from masturbating, while simultaneously denying you sex with her. Using sex as a means of controlling one’s spouse is very selfish.<BR/><BR/>I do wonder, though, if her comment about you wanting a “whore” might be a reflection of some of her views on sex. Perhaps she thinks that enthusiasm and interest on her part would be dirty. Maybe deep down she thinks that enjoying and desiring sex more on her part would be bad, and that if she responded the way she thinks you want, it would make herself a whore in her own eyes. Although she meant it as a slam for sure, I think it says more about her than you. I could be wrong, but that’s the way it struck me when I read it.<BR/><BR/>Lastly, while I don’t really want to agree with your wife on anything, just based off of what you write, you do seem very sad and understandably so. I’m sure that it is apparent in the “real world” as well. I need to say, however, that her using words like “mopey” and “woe is me” is belittling and insensitive and also makes it sound like you just need some sort of attitude adjustment and then everything will be fine. It also makes it sound like she doesn’t care at all about your well-being or happiness, other than it not affecting her adversely.<BR/><BR/>This is more a rhetorical question and doesn’t express any new sentiment I’m sure, but is it possible that she really cares so little about you or your marriage? How is it possible? How does one become so apathetic about such important things?<BR/><BR/>I am very sorry for all your anguish right now, and hope that you find peace. If its of any consolation, RS and I remember you and your family daily in our prayers.Therese in Heavenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13607519856275927706noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-30905599856348937172007-06-27T13:13:00.000-04:002007-06-27T13:13:00.000-04:00RS -- Your dissent is always welcome here! (think...RS -- Your dissent is always welcome here! (thinking back to <A HREF="http://restoringthecovenant.blogspot.com/2007/06/everybodys-talkin-at-me.html#comment-9210677092680945209" REL="nofollow">comments </A> on your blog recently) Thanks for stopping by and giving a a different point of view.<BR/><BR/>I think the disagreement stems from different bases of thought.<BR/><BR/>The teachings of the Christian faith provide a justification for your viewpoint.<BR/><BR/>Perhaps the best example of <A HREF="http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=1%20Corinthians%207:3-5&version=31" REL="nofollow">scripture</A> is Paul's first letter to the Corinthians, Chapter 7:<BR/><BR/><I>3 The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. <BR/><BR/>4 The <B>wife's body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband</B>. In the same way, <B>the husband's body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife</B>. <BR/><BR/>5 Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.</I><BR/><BR/>The basis for my thinking originates from <A HREF="http://books.google.com/books?id=15VZxliCJEoC&pg=PA194&ots=eFMxHoOCIs&dq=schnarch+%22communal+genitals%22&ie=ISO-8859-1&sig=TJTjIRGiKdGUgRXZQ3rcKkUvoic#PPA194,M1" REL="nofollow">Schnarch's writings</A> (link takes you to a book excerpt) about how people in monagamous relationships sometimes adopt a more strident notion of this -- <I>communal genitals</I>.<BR/><BR/>The status of our relationship had degenerated to a point where an even darker version came into effect: my wife wanted pre-emptive veto power over the use of mine.<BR/><BR/>In order to avoid outright condemnation or at least a high degree of emotional distress, I was not to engage in any solo sexual activity. Some exceptions may apply from time to time, but not without prior consent.<BR/><BR/>In an abusive relationship, this is exactly the kind of boundary I need.<BR/><BR/>--<BR/>2amsomewhere2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-51397356724182459792007-06-27T12:37:00.000-04:002007-06-27T12:37:00.000-04:00I hate to dissent a little bit, but there is one t...I hate to dissent a little bit, but there is one thing I would like to say to your point about, which I am sure won't be popular: <BR/>"My body, and especially my genitals, are mine. I would not allow her to forbid me from pleasuring myself sexually or using guilt to make me refrain from it."<BR/><BR/>I have always felt that my body is part of what I give to my wife in marriage. It belongs just as much to her as it does to me. Not that I should let it be abused by her, and not that whenever she wants sex I have to jump and do it, but that I have to respect it and her wishes as long as they aren't unreasonable.Recovering Soulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14399363754265182865noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-59328143696455220482007-06-27T11:02:00.000-04:002007-06-27T11:02:00.000-04:00Yep, that says right there that a change is needed...Yep, that says right there that a change is needed. I've been in marriage counseling and, for me, it sucked. It did answer some questions I had about my marriage. The individual sessions were fine, but it was all about him in the joint sessions. This told me that he was the one that needed to be there and not me! Speaking of needs, I'm glad you are able to meet some of yours with your two addictions!Jennifer McGeehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04658560210896482456noreply@blogger.com