tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post6929386253682842109..comments2023-03-21T07:07:50.202-04:00Comments on 2amsomewhere: Let Her CryUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger4125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-53523905638991166892007-06-19T20:50:00.000-04:002007-06-19T20:50:00.000-04:00I realize this comment isn't going to make me very...I realize this comment isn't going to make me very popular - with you or most of your commenters.<BR/><BR/>Did you ever think that your wife is weeping uncontrollably, unable to take in much information, because she knows that you are planning to leave her? Because her marriage is failing? Being distressed and unable to take in and process information is pretty natural in the circumstances.<BR/><BR/>Sometimes when a person hasn't been appropriately assertive for a long time, and they are feeling abused, and they start to get a handle on their real thoughts and feelings, they swing too far the other way - continually opting for separateness, self-assertion and more and more distance.<BR/><BR/>This is totally normal. Most people, after a little assertiveness training, go kind of overboard for a while. Maybe they even need to, to push past their feelings of inadequacy and fear of conflict and disapproval. But after a time, they learn to swing back to some kind of equilibrium - more able to assert, but also more respectful of other people.<BR/><BR/>Your wife's issues with touch and sex really are kind of extreme, and it's not surprising that you're unhappy. The issues with money are naturally upsetting, but they're also not that unusual. Most couples are under a lot of financial stress when the kids are young and the wife isn't working.<BR/><BR/>But the thing is, these are problems that you should be working on together. You should be seeing a sex therapist together, to find ways that she can be more comfortable with touch. You should be looking for a joint financial plan, rather than taking it in turns to be in control.<BR/><BR/>Instead, you have been pulling further and further away and getting colder and colder towards her. <BR/><BR/>You say that you want a passionate marriage. But passion is created between two equal people. It isn't created by sucking up to her for years in the hope that it will get you laid. It also isn't created by one person demanding more passion from the other with abandonment as the consequence of not complying. These are both extremes.<BR/><BR/>I truly have every sympathy for you, but I think you are going down the wrong path. In trying to resolve very real problems, you are going about them the wrong way and your wife feels bullied and manipulated - just like you used to feel. People who feel that way aren't able to give a very warm response. They get frightened and defensive and even less able to grow.<BR/><BR/>If you're not careful, 2am, you're just going to become another guy who, psychologising aside, gets rid of his wife because she doesn't enjoy having sex with him and spends too much. If you feel okay about that, then go ahead.<BR/><BR/>But what if you had more joint sessions looking for solutions, with a bias towards staying together? I'm not talking about you just giving in, I'm talking about genuine compromise and joint effort between two equals who have made a commitment to each other and have children to consider.<BR/><BR/>I'm really sorry because I know this comment sounds kind of harsh. But I really think you are going to regret the way this is going, when you live in a little flat by yourself, not seeing your children every day, perhaps watching them being parented by a step-father you don't like and don't approve of.Emilyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16960808094968837047noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-17756412898636408232007-06-19T19:27:00.000-04:002007-06-19T19:27:00.000-04:00She's not ready to work on the sex stuff, all righ...She's not ready to work on the sex stuff, all right, if she's throwing out that you "just want a whore." What you want is a NORMAL WIFE/GIRLFRIEND, someone with a normal sex drive who actually wants to have sex with her life partner on a regular basis. "Whore" is such a charged word; it seems your wife may look down on women who want to have sex.the Drunken Housewifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14606104534453493304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-52119852110507594512007-06-19T14:20:00.000-04:002007-06-19T14:20:00.000-04:00So where does this leave you with regard to a deci...So where does this leave you with regard to a decision about your job offers?Have the T-shirthttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12144662999404716735noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-85999866182528756132007-06-19T12:01:00.000-04:002007-06-19T12:01:00.000-04:00I haven't commented much...but I have been reading...I haven't commented much...but I have been reading. I haven't read the comments so I don't know what everyone else is telling you to do. I'm not here to tell you what to do, but to pass along experience. <BR/><BR/>It is not uncommon for one spouse to create a living situation which is so unbearable as to require the other spouse to seek a divorce. Thus immediately painting the "leaving spouse" as the bad guy, and the "staying spouse" as the victim. You seemed to think this may be what your wife was doing a while back. <BR/><BR/>I agree with you. <BR/><BR/>I firmly believe that she has given up on the marriage. She wants out of the marriage, but she wants to maintain victim status. She wants to keep the house, and the kids, and the cars, and the ability to stay on the couch watching tv...without having the husband. I've seen this tactic before. <BR/><BR/>You can allow her to drag it out, or you can just do it. Her game plan won't change. The only thing that will change the situation is finality. Allow yourself the ability to recognize that you are the only one who can define your own status. Whether you are the victim or the abuser, that is determined by action...not by what she calls you. <BR/><BR/>Time to scootch.Law Girlhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10266891700976866421noreply@blogger.com