tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post2204816767664377319..comments2023-03-21T07:07:50.202-04:00Comments on 2amsomewhere: Eros ShruggedUnknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger2125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-79388316127985568262006-12-27T10:00:00.000-05:002006-12-27T10:00:00.000-05:00Now let's move on to passages from Schnarch that I...<i>Now let's move on to passages from Schnarch that I believe support my approach.</i><br /><br />2am, did you ever hear the expression "When all you have is a hammer, everything starts to look like a nail."? <br /><br />And again, I'm not trying to insult you. In fact, the more of your backstory I read, the more similarities I see with my own marriage and approach to handling things. We had a similar issue with finances. We've had similar issues with clashing libidos. We've had similar issues with her seeming to be more concerned with her family or friends than with me. <br /><br />And like you, I went to a dozen different web boards to complain... I mean, look for ideas. And I would take an analytical approach in order to justify my getting upset over things. For example, I didn't do the spending graph, but I did do a large spreadsheet for her. And we spent way too much time nitpicking the little details. Etc. <br /><br />I don't know how much actual good it all did, but at least I had some emotional support.<br /><br />Counseling did little for me, partly because I had a difficult time with the one we saw - he seemed pretty clueless about sexuality. Or rather, about non-vanilla sexuality. Disappointment with his approach led me to pull myself up by my own bootstraps and pursue my own course. That was when I decided to just start <a href= "http://vanillaedge.wordpress.com/2006/09/15/when-someone-you-love-is-kinky-1/"> "outing" myself.</a><br /><br />Anyway, I'm not suggesting that you should drop what you're doing; it's obviously making <b>you</b> feel better, or at least, making you feel like you're accomplishing something. However, I want to again point out that by not being clear or open with your wife about what's on your mind makes it difficult for her to evaluate her position, not to mention her own options. <br /><br />In one of my articles, I wrote:<br /><i>However, I do want everyone to understand that, especially in a relationship of five, ten, twenty years, that<b> your partner has as much at stake in the relationship as you do!</b><br /><br />Go back and read that again. I think that most of us - myself included - have (or have had) a very difficult time understanding this point. We’ve invested a lot of time and energy into our relationship, which is often whey we’re afraid to bring up kink in the first place: we’re afraid that in doing so we risk losing the love of our partner. Worse, I think that some people begin to believe that their partner will be all too ready to toss five or even twenty-five years of a relationship out the window; and what holds them back from explaining their desires to their partner is the fear that their partner really doesn’t care enough to accept them.<br /><br />That’s a horrible thought to live with, isn’t it?<br /><br />No matter what you think her (or his) reaction will be, once you’ve finally gotten over the fear of talking about your desires and concerns, it’s possible that you will discover that your partner loves you enough to accept those things in you. And if they can’t accept them, then it’s better for your own mental health to get on with dealing with the solid facts, rather than the ambiguous and indeterminate fears.</i><br /><br />From what I'm seeing here, I don't think that you believe this - or that (like me) you are afraid that she only wants you around to support the kids. Soo the Schnarch approach is good for you because you need to learn to self-validate. <br /><br />But the issue I have is that when both partners don't have all the same information (e.g., that you have a "deadline"), then they both can not honestly evaluate their options. Likewise, if you're looking to "push" your wife oward her own growth cycle, then ask yourself if that's not violating her integrity as well.<br /><br />Lots of good stuff, here 2am. <br /><br />Tom Allen<br /><a href="http://vanillaedge.wordpress.com/" title="When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you...">The Edge of Vanilla</a>Tom Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04208222697436091267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-31802416308688813512006-12-27T09:40:00.000-05:002006-12-27T09:40:00.000-05:00I wonder if she brings this up because she doesn't...I wonder if she brings this up because she doesn't want to be the catalyst for the divorce, even if she has given up on the marriage?<br /><br />Sometimes women don't feel they can walk away from an unhappy marriage without enough cause. Doing so would cause such a degree of guilt and remorse that it's easier to stay and be miserable. But, if you initiated divorce, then she wouldn't have to feel guilty for breaking up the family. And, she may not be able to see how she could handle being alone. Quite obviously, it would impact her in a major way, she'd have to seek employment, and there would be major upheaval in her life.<br /><br />It may be that she is willing to trade a degree of marital misery for her current level of family stability.<br /><br />I know that I played this game inside my head for YEARS. I was unhappily married for at least 6 of the 12 years I was married, but could not see a way to escape that wouldn't cause major upheaval in my life and the lives of my children.<br /><br />The catalyst for my divorce, if I am honest, WASN'T my husband's 3rd act of infidelity. It was the fact that my brother and sister in law moved within 2 miles of me, and we had a close enough relationship that I knew that if I had to travel for work (I do travel, frequently), they could help with the kids. And, I finally had begun making enough money that I could manage to pay all the bills on my own.<br /><br />I woke up on the day after my 39th birthday and I was just DONE. There was nothing he could have done or said at that point to salvage the relationship. I was just done.<br /><br />However, had he initiated the divorce prior to that, I'd have been scared, but I'd have worked through it. His actions (infidelity, financial irresponsibility, failure to hold a job) provided the justification I needed to leave my marriage with a clean conscience, but it was the safety net of my family and my paycheck that allowed me to finally jump to freedom.Troublehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16553273498093394669noreply@blogger.com