tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post116662119321711394..comments2023-03-21T07:07:50.202-04:00Comments on 2amsomewhere: Maybe I Need a Blue Ribbon Panel for This?Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger12125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166728028035612692006-12-21T14:07:00.000-05:002006-12-21T14:07:00.000-05:00When she had finished explaining, I told her calml...<I>When she had finished explaining, I told her calmly that what she chose to do about that was her choice, not mine. I said she should do what she feel she needs to do, not what she thinks would make me happy.</I><BR/><BR/>And here's where I disagree with the Schnarch-ness of what you're doing: Yes, on one level you do not want to violate her integrity by making her do things for you. OTOH, a relationship implies mutual accomodation; it seems that you're secretly hoping that she just gives you more ammunition in order to justify your leaving. <BR/><BR/>To my way of thinking, the more honest approach would be to tell her your own feelings on the situation ("It makes me unhappy that you would stop therapy, because I don't think that we'll be able to fix things on our own. Or because it makes me feel like fixing our relationship is not as important to you as it is to me, and that makes me feel nervous and vulnerable."), because without some resonable expectation of accomodation, then neither of you are playing the same game.<BR/><BR/>Tom Allen<BR/><A HREF="http://vanillaedge.wordpress.com" REL="nofollow" TITLE="When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you...">The Edge of Vanilla</A>Tom Allenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04208222697436091267noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166675206749999732006-12-20T23:26:00.000-05:002006-12-20T23:26:00.000-05:00In a comment, I wrote:My wife was going (to therap...In a <A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/12/maybe-i-need-blue-ribbon-panel-for.html#116663987791955400" REL="nofollow">comment</A>, I wrote:<BR/><BR/><I>My wife was going (to therapy) every week, then set it to every other week about two months ago. I just noticed this past week that she hasn't gone the last two weeks, which makes me wonder if she has stopped seeing the therapist altogether. I haven't asked her because it is her choice whether she wants to go.</I><BR/><BR/>I gave in to temptation a bit...<BR/><BR/>Tonight, I was sifting through the mail, and I got a couple of "Explanation of Benefits" letters from my health insurance regarding some recent counseling sessions I had. <BR/><BR/>My wife was in the room, so as an aside, I asked her whether she had seen her counselor lately. She said she hadn't been for a few weeks, and then said that she wasn't sure if her therapist was really what she was looking for. <BR/><BR/>When she had finished explaining, I told her calmly that what she chose to do about that was her choice, not mine. I said she should do what she feel she needs to do, not what she thinks would make me happy.2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166674287303009802006-12-20T23:11:00.000-05:002006-12-20T23:11:00.000-05:00I checked the ballroom's calendar, and they don't ...I checked the ballroom's calendar, and they don't have a dance scheduled for next weekend, but the website says that they have open dances "most" Fridays, so there will be other times. It would have been nice to go this week because our kids are staying at my dad and stepmom's until Saturday.2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166672456017967422006-12-20T22:40:00.000-05:002006-12-20T22:40:00.000-05:00Ask her about next Friday?Ask her about next Friday?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166662411602611212006-12-20T19:53:00.000-05:002006-12-20T19:53:00.000-05:00And the answer is...No, she has already committed ...And the answer is...<BR/><BR/>No, she has already committed to baking things that night.2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166646434310964182006-12-20T15:27:00.000-05:002006-12-20T15:27:00.000-05:00Just so you didn't say I took your advice, DH...I ...Just so you didn't say I took your advice, DH...<BR/><BR/>I did find a dance school that has an open dance party taking place on Friday (12/22). Admission is $5, and they have $10 lessons at 7:30 p.m., and the dancing runs from 8:30 - 10 p.m., so I will see if the Mrs. is up for that.2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166644037737675282006-12-20T14:47:00.000-05:002006-12-20T14:47:00.000-05:00The Drunken Housewife writes:Wait! I never heard b...The Drunken Housewife <A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/12/maybe-i-need-blue-ribbon-panel-for.html#116664192191720396" REL="nofollow">writes</A>:<BR/><BR/><I>Wait! I never heard before that at some point, you did ballroom dancing lessons and the mood in your household became friendly and you had sex (albeit monthly)</I><BR/><BR/>The ballroom dancing lessons had a transient effect on the sexual part of our relationship. Sex increased for a bit, but it tapered off before we completed the courses.<BR/><BR/>We had a four-day long kid-free vacation in late May of this year. The conventional wisdom is that time alone rekindles passion. We had a good time, seeing a musical, doing some shopping, and playing some slot machines (her other passion). During that time, we had sex only once (I was still on my initiation embargo, so she was the one making moves).<BR/><BR/><I>I know money is an issue, but is there some hobby you can do together?</I><BR/><BR/>From July through September, I tried to get us to take walks after dinner with the kids (cheap, good exercise). I loaded them up in their wagon and pulled them along, and we'd walk for 20 minutes or so. <BR/><BR/>Getting her to come along on these walks was difficult. She would complain a lot of times that she was wearing out, and there were times when she just didn't go. At least she got a break from the kids.<BR/><BR/>We stopped taking them as sunset got closer to 6 p.m. because it was dark by the time we got done with dinner and she was worried about mosquitoes.2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166641921917203962006-12-20T14:12:00.000-05:002006-12-20T14:12:00.000-05:00Wait! I never heard before that at some point, yo...Wait! I never heard before that at some point, you did ballroom dancing lessons and the mood in your household became friendly and you had sex (albeit monthly). This gives me some whole new take. You guys are capable of getting along on some level. I know money is an issue, but is there some hobby you can do together? Dancing? (That is also healthy exercise, by the way). I know she scrapbooks and ebays, and I gather you are not about to join in to either of those.the Drunken Housewifehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14606104534453493304noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166639877919554002006-12-20T13:37:00.000-05:002006-12-20T13:37:00.000-05:00I'm not sure how far back you've read this blog, b...I'm not sure how far back you've read this blog, but we went to joint counseling for six sessions late this past summer. This was covered in great detail in late July and August 2006. The relevant posts are supplied below.<BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/07/no-more-words-for-now-at-least.html" REL="nofollow"> No More Words (for Now at Least)</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/07/collecting-thoughts.html" REL="nofollow"> Collecting the Thoughts</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/07/loved-in-five-languages.html" REL="nofollow"> Loved in Five Languages</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/07/counseling-session-ii-roundup.html" REL="nofollow"> Counseling Session II Roundup</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/my-brief-im-conversation-with-black.html" REL="nofollow"> My Brief IM Conversation with a Black Hole</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/counseling-session-iii-roundup.html" REL="nofollow"> Counseling Session III Roundup</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/my-inner-overanalyst-speaks-out.html" REL="nofollow"> My Inner Overanalyst Speaks Out</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/another-im-arrives.html" REL="nofollow"> Another IM Arrives</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/counseling-session-iv-roundup-or-30.html" REL="nofollow"> Counseling Session IV Roundup (or: 30 Seconds to Midnight)</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/thoughts-before-counseling-session-v.html" REL="nofollow"> Thoughts Before Counseling Session V</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/counseling-session-v-roundup-or-our.html" REL="nofollow"> Counseling Session V Roundup (or: Our Therapist is a Prude)</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/still-out-there.html" REL="nofollow"> Still Out There</A><BR/><BR/><A HREF="http://2amsomewhere.blogspot.com/2006/08/some-forgotten-notes-from-last-week.html" REL="nofollow"> Some Forgotten Notes From Last Week</A><BR/><BR/>We finally agreed to pursue our own individual therapy routes, and that's when the attitude and emphasis of this blog started to make a major shift.<BR/><BR/>My wife was going every week, then set it to every other week about two months ago. I just noticed this past week that she hasn't gone the last two weeks, which makes me wonder if she has stopped seeing the therapist altogether. I haven't asked her because it is her choice whether she wants to go.<BR/><BR/>As for me, I've been to nine weekly sessions so far, and my health plan has authorized me for another six, provided that I stay with this job for that long.2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166636595023532902006-12-20T12:43:00.000-05:002006-12-20T12:43:00.000-05:00She has not done so, except to say that we should ...She has not done so, except to say that we should go to couples counseling, something I refuse to do until she gets a grasp on her own problems.<BR/><BR/>=================================<BR/><BR/>I'm FLOORED that you would refuse to go to couple's counseling. (we did and it took a while, but it is the only thing that healed our marriage).<BR/><BR/>In addition, the marriage counselor MADE us go get counseling separately for our own personal issues (which also helped alot).<BR/><BR/>You say you want answers.... here's your chance...<BR/><BR/>Are you afraid of getting answers?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166636094708274712006-12-20T12:34:00.000-05:002006-12-20T12:34:00.000-05:00Have you come right out and said... I'm not happy,...<I>Have you come right out and said... I'm not happy, I don't think you're happy... ??<BR/><BR/>(that was probably the first thing the H and I did to start mending our relationship - AND the hardest).</I><BR/><BR/>My first "I'm unhappy" talk was sometime in the fall of 2005, and it was a very tough time for me, too. I dug up an excerpt from a posting that I made to a support group board in October of that year.<BR/><BR/><I>Throughout our relationship, our sex drives were not well matched, and even after I tried to put into practice the guidance from counseling, things never really improved. She always seemed to have an excuse for not wanting to be sexual. <BR/><BR/>When I would ask her why she was so averse to sexual intimacy, the answer I got was a teary "I don't know." By the beginning of 2002, she told me that she was feeling pressured to have sex, so I told her that I would stop trying to initiate the act altogether. And, true to my word, I have not done so since then. <BR/><BR/>With no pressure whatsoever, an activity that was lucky to occur twice a month withered into barely a quarterly occurrence. Most of the time it was an offer of "I'll just lay there while you get it overwith" sex. I am one of those rare males who needs an emotional element to sex, and I can't perform under those conditions. As a result, I have not had an orgasm from intercourse with her in 16 months.<BR/><BR/>I have become increasingly unhappy with my marriage the past four years, with things really approaching a breaking point over the past 18 months. My demeanor has become less pleasant, and my wife has picked up on this, but she thinks that it's just a depression issue that should be treated with medication.<BR/><BR/>Over the past three monthsI have done a lot of soul searching to determine what I think is causing problems between us. I've been reading books, and I have been seeing a counselor through my job's EAP. Perhaps the greatest awareness I have developed is that the lack of sex wasn't a direct problem so much as a barometer for other problems within the marriage.<BR/><BR/>One day about a month ago, I made an attempt to communicate to my wife some of the issues that were troubling me. I told her that I was working on my own issues and I asked her to give some thought to working on her own problems. She has not done so, except to say that we should go to couples counseling, something I refuse to do until she gets a grasp on her own problems.<BR/><BR/>At times I wonder if her avoidance of sexual intimacy doesn't have something to do with sexual orientation. She has a sister who is bisexual, and there has been some speculation that her father is a closeted gay. Moreover, my wife seems to have an inappropriate level of bondedness with her best friend, and our lives are so tightly integrated with her friend and husband that it almost seems that all four of us are married.<BR/><BR/>I am currently working on a letter to my wife that makes clear my feelings about the state of our marriage. I will probably give her that letter sometime after Thanksgiving.</I><BR/><BR/>I never finished writing that letter, based partially on feedback from those on the board who said that it would probably backfire on me.<BR/><BR/>I changed jobs about a month after I wrote this posting, which gave me less time to obsess about the issues. I wondered if getting out of the house (I was telelcommuting) might change the dynamics a bit.<BR/><BR/>I also tried changing my attitude. For her birthday in early January, I purchased ballroom dance lessons for the both of us, which was something that she said she had wanted many years ago. <BR/><BR/>She enjoyed the class, but about four months of weekly kidless time moved the temperature from frigid to friendly. Sex went up to about once a month, and then drifted back off again during the summer. The rest of the story is chronicled in this blog.2amsomewherehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12343733349708172680noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-31278044.post-1166634666885653352006-12-20T12:11:00.000-05:002006-12-20T12:11:00.000-05:00My deadline is a little under 56 days and 16 hours...My deadline is a little under 56 days and 16 hours away. <BR/>===============================<BR/><BR/>I don't know how you do it... I would feel like I was self-torturing.<BR/><BR/>Have you come right out and said... I'm not happy, I don't think you're happy... ??<BR/><BR/>(that was probably the first thing the H and I did to start mending our relationship - AND the hardest).Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com